Small Epiphany

I had an epiphany last week.

I wrote about the subjugation of my will to Hashem's will as being an important part of my taking on more mitzvos. I titled the post "Because He said so..." For a long time, I have wanted to write a book titled, "Because I Said So!" about raising children. The point is that children need to know their parents' will is above their own, that they need to obey their parents without explanation, that "because I said so" is explanation enough. I always said if children learn that lesson, they are better prepared to be contributing members of society- most of us have bosses we have to listen to, we have to obey laws with which we may not agree, we have to make sacrifices for the greater good.

Turns out I only understood a portion of why that lesson is so important.

Here's my epiphany: That relationship, parent to child, is the mirror of our relationship with Hashem. Thus, how well we prepare our children for understanding that their will is not the ultimate goal, is how well we prepare them for a relationship with Hashem. When we fall down in that area of parenting, we also impair their ability to get close to G-d by following His mitzvos, because they will judge their will with respect to His the same way they judge their will with respect to ours. If we let them get away with not listening to what we say, they will look at Hashem's laws and mitzvos as up for discussion in the same way, say, bedtime is up for discussion in many households. If they can negotiate their way out of cleaning their room, they will negotiate/rationalize their way out of keeping kosher. If they are used to having a sensible explanation for whatever is asked of them, they will also want a rational explanation for all decisions in Jewish life, and it's just not there all the time.

If, instead, we can teach them to understand that as their parents we know what is best for them and they learn to follow what we ask of them simply "because," then they will be that much closer to understanding our relationships with Hashem.... and I believe that is the first step to developing a fulfilling relationship of their own.

Have a wonderful Shabbat,

BD

Because He said so

One of the most important things I have learned as I have become more observant is the understanding that my will is not the be-all and end-all. Hashem's (Hashem= a common Hebrew word for G-d) will is the true goal. I am not very good about passing that test- choosing what Hashem wants over what I want, but little by little I think my choice box (the part of you where true, difficult decisions lie-- some things are above your choice box, some things are below) is elevating. Not eating pork used to be above my choice box, but for the past 6-8 months, I've done pretty well. Not perfect, but that's not the point. He wants me to make the effort, even when I fail sometimes. The key is to keep trying, keep moving forward, keep making the effort, keep not giving up. Sometimes it's difficult to decide the next step- it all seems so overwhelming at times, but I have to take a moment, realize that it's not an all-or-nothing deal, and that it's both the sincere attempt and the fact that I am taking steps at all that is important.

I think that's one of the biggest fundamental differences between orthodox Judaism and other branches- the belief that Hashem's will is over our will. Growing up, I always learned that we looked critically at the Torah and all its writings, to see if a particular practice or belief resonated, seemed applicable to us in the current day. If it did, we followed it, if it didn't, we didn't. Our will superseded. Without the belief that our will comes second, there's no reason to grow toward a Torah life. Why would you do such difficult and sometimes weird things? Why would you not eat milk and meat together? Why would you not wear clothes that mix linen and wool (I'm not kidding, that actually is a commandment)? It would make no sense- and as I said earlier, that is usually the deciding factor.

Such a difference to believe that Hashem's will is over your own. To believe that the Torah really does have continual lessons to teach us, to this day. It's not a dry, linear history book, rather a spiral that comes back to itself year after year, always slightly different. We are different from year to year, and what we take from the writings speaks to us where we are. When I thought I knew better, I missed a lot of those lessons. I am continually amazed how everything is contained in the Torah- it's not a history lesson to me anymore. The more I study and learn, the more is revealed to me. The more that is revealed, the more courage I have to do the things that are difficult, because I know I am doing what Hashem wants, and that will bring blessings to me and my family.

BD

Honor your father and mother

My husband teaches me every day to be a better person- I know it sounds corny, but it's true. His mom stopped by our house today on her way home. I had left some herbs at her house last week, and she decided to bring them by. We didn't know she was coming, but the moment she entered the house, he offered to take her coat, invited her in for a cup of tea, and welcomed her. She asked for an extra hug because we "had left on Friday without saying goodbye" to her. Instead of being sarcastic or dismissive (as sometimes I am towards my dad), he apologized sincerely, saying he never meant to overlook her. Such honor! Such tenderness. I really do love my hubby, and admire him as well.

My dad was here for several days recently, celebrating Chanukah with us. Itried to take this as an opportunity to practice the 5th commandment (thanks to Lori P for teaching them to me in order-- I have taught several people and now will never forget!). I brought him his coffee in the morning, made him hot cocoa at night, and when he asked me a question, instead of staying where I was and telling him where the milk was or how to turn on the camera, I got up and did it for him, each time listening to the little voice in my head that said, "This is your chance. This is your chance to honor him by taking care of him the way he always took care of you." Every time I put his dishes in the dishwasher, cleaned shmutz up off the floor or table, I thought of what a privilege it was to be able to take care of my family, and thanked Hashem for all my opportunities to do so.

It made all the difference in the world.

BD

Adventures in Pareveland

Pareve, those foodstuffs that are neither milk, nor meat, have always for me been relegated to the realm of savory. Side dishes with veggies, salads, challah, when requested to bring a pareve dish I have always gone salty. When having to go to the sweet side, I stop by one of our grocery stores and pick up something my husband and I generally refer to as "kosher kryptonite." Those cakes and cookies that have a decidedly dense texture, sitting in your stomach like a lump of lead. Other alternatives are equally distasteful- fresh fruit (BORING...), sorbet, soy or rice ice cream... all those things that seem like such a compromise. Hubby also does not like cooked fruit, so all pies, tarts, etc are also out.

This Shabbat we are having Friday dinner with some friends, and I was requested to bring a pareve dessert. I initially thought, "I guess I'll pick up some cupcakes or brownies..." and then I thought, "No. I can do better. There has to be something out there. Observant Jewish women all around the world make Shabbos with meat, and they can't all have cr@ppy dessert. I have to at least try."

So I find myself this morning making "Peanut Butter Chocolate Mousse Terrine." Thanks to Susie Fishbein and Kosher Cooking by Design. My first foray into pareve whipping cream and margarine in the glaze. Please, Hashem, make this taste good, so my husband gets a reward for being willing to tolerate a dessert made pareve when he has no obligation to.

BD

Oy Vey!

Almost two months has passed since my last post? How can that be??!! It feels like the holidays just happened. This time-passage thing is a bit off-putting. I hope everyone's holidays were joyful and the new year is beginning with a renewed sense of what is important in life.

I guess I've been engrossed with house renovations, roof repairs, and fertility endeavors. Any one of which could make a person crazy. With all three-- maybe that's how 2 months passes without any blogging.

One of the biggest things that has happened in the meantime was our Jewish Women's Renaissance Project weekend with Lori Palatnik. We brought her in from DC for a Shabbat weekend of learning and community. It brought Israel back for all of us who were there. For those who were not, I hope it gave them the desire to continue learning and gain joy from their journey. We have decided to make the Women's Conference an annual project, and are in the process of blowing it up to (hopefully, with G-d's blessings) be a major event.

I'll be back blogging more about what I am learning. I think so many of the concepts transcend religious boundaries- concepts of how to be a giver, how to handle life's tests, how to not give in to the voice of negativity. I promise two months won't go by silently again.

BD

Kol Nidre

If you can't tell from all my posts, I am really enjoying learning at Aish here in Minneapolis. I learn something new practically every day. Tonight is Kol Nidre, and while I recognize the fact that I am not supposed to be writing on this holy day, I am so filled with joy and hope and possibility and renewal that I can't keep it all inside. I am almost 40 and I feel as if I have had my eyes closed this whole time. All I write below is new to me this year.

Kol Nidre means "all vows." It is the time that we prepare for the true atonement of Yom Kippur, by saying (with the permission of G-d) all the vows and oaths we took this past year, all the promises we made are now null and void. It cleans the slate so we can atone, so we can begin anew. The cantor says it three times, because to do a thing three times means you "own" it, you have internalized it, are invested in it. If you (according to Jewish law, not civil law obviously) live on land for three years and no one throws you off, you are seen as owning it. If you do a mitzvah three times in a row, it is as if you have made a commitment to keep that mitzvah.

I never knew what Kol Nidre meant. I can hear the tune in my head, I can probably even sing a lot of it, but I never knew the translation. I am so lucky to be involved with a community where not only are you invited to ask any question, but all questions are treated with equal value and a search for a meaningful answer.

I hope that all my friends and family, and all the Jews both in the land of Israel and without, have an easy and meaningful fast. G'mar Chatima Tovah (literally "a good and final sealing" in the Book of Life). May I be forgiven for all my wrongs, intended or accidental, and may I do better this year, may I have more opportunities to live the vision that G-d has for me.

BD

New Year, New Me

I sat in on an amazing interactive webcast last night. Lori Palatnik was talking about the High Holidays, and gave us a framework for prayer this year, when we hear the shofar (ram's horn) being blown.

When you hear the Shofar, pray:

1. G-d, You have an incredible vision for all of humanity and for me. I want my life to be aligned with Your vision.
2. I want to recognize the blessings in my life and see the totality of the life You gave me, the pain and the joy, as an expression of Your love.
3. I want to transcend my greatest obstacles [my yetzer hara, my negative inclinations] to fulfill Your vision for me.
4. I want to be a walking expression of the divine values You created me to bring to the world in order to fulfill Your vision.
5. I want all my resources from the coming year to be dedicated to fulfill your vision for me.
6. G-d, I want to trust that You will take care of me. Always.
7. G-d, I want the world to discover the truth and beauty of living according to Your vision.
8. I want to make You King by living myself more according to Your plan.
9. I resolve that I want to be connected to you, G-d, as the source of life.
10. I resolve that this moment is the dawn of a new era in my life for the good.

The shofar is the alarm clock for the Jewish soul. I feel like this year is going to be a year of HUGE change for me, with some clarity (and even more questions) created by my trip to Israel. I think these 10 steps are a great framework for me to pray during these next two weeks. Even if you're not Jewish, I hope you find some meaning in them.

To all my Jewish friends: May you and all you love be inscribed in the Book of Life for the upcoming year, and as a good friend told me yesterday, "May G-d see fit to grant you what your heart desires."

BD

The month of Elul

I always find myself re-evaluating at this time of year. I guess more so than at the Gregorian New Year, I do it at the time of Rosh Hashanah. Ever since college, I have this prayer/poem that I read and contemplate (thanks, Stuart, I still have it). The first line is "Now is the time to take an accounting of my life." Am I doing what I want to do? Am I being the best person I can be? Am I the best wife, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, friend (last year was the first one where I didn't ask if I was the best granddaughter.... that was hard, and still is).

There is a new element this year, a new question I feel like asking myself. Is what I am doing showing my love for Hashem? Am I doing the best with the gifts He has given me? Am I moving forward on the tzaddik path? What aspects of myself should I be working on that will make me a better Jew, because from all I have been studying and learning, that makes me a better person.

We are in the Hebrew month of Elul, and some say that Elul (spelled with the Hebrew letters alef-lamed-vav-lamed) is an acronym for Ani L'dodi V'dodi Li (also alef-lamed-vav-lamed), which can translate to "I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine." This really resonates with me-- in this case, the beloved is not my beloved Patrick, but Hashem. This month is about looking at that relationship in preparation for the New Year and Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. I find myself unsettled-- have I done enough to show my love? Have I accepted His love? I like the thought of having an entire month to contemplate this and prepare for the high holydays, because when the time comes to ask Hashem for forgiveness and blessings, I will have a more complete understanding of who I am right now, what I've been doing and who I want to be.

BD

Making Challah

Braiding a 4-strand challah with Annette.

Patrick and I are at a cottage on Madeline Island (on the coast of Lake Superior) with our friends Annette and Chris. There is minimal intermittent internet service, no tv, and spotty cell service. This is as off-the-grid as I can stand. To reward myself, I decided to spend the day pretty much in the kitchen. I decided to make challah for Shabbat, and a huge mezze spread for dinner. The challah was from Sara Simpser's recipe, and it turned out a-mazing! I think it's a good step toward taking on the mitzvah of challah, which includes using at least 5 lbs of flour (now I know that there were huge Shabbat meals in ancient Israel, because using the minimum quantity to fulfill the mitzvah makes like 6-8 challahs!). I haven't decided when in the process to freeze the extra loaves (before baking but after braiding and the final rise, I am thinking), but I think sometime in the next few weeks I am going to do the full Monty.

The final product-- gorgeous!

Praying for Strength

Giving up pork is a really hard thing to do. Not for everyone, I am sure, but it is for me. Honestly, I've never been very good with self-denial when it comes to food. I always rationalized my eating pork as falling into the category of "Well, I won't make it in my house, but if there's bacon on a breakfast menu somewhere, that's okay...." Then when Patrick came into the picture, we occasionally made pork or bacon, but I always felt guilty afterwards.... sort of. Not so guilty that I didn't eat it, but guilty in that "Oh I know it's bad for me but it's soooooo tasty" kind of way.
Now after the JWRP trip to Israel, I'm trying to give up pork. I am not always successful, but I still try. I had no idea it would be this hard. Patrick and I went to dinner tonight at our favorite neighborhood place, Cafe Levain. They have a special Sunday night prix-fixe menu, but tonight I had to have the vegetarian version because the only animal protein offered on the regular version was pork! I was unbelievably bummed. The funny thing is that I was resentful because I was forced to restrict my selections even further than I wanted-- I only wanted to give up pork, not all meat!
That's why I am praying for strength. This is one of my tests as surely as Sara Yocheved Rigler talked about the day before we left Jerusalem. The issue of kashrus is more squarely in my choice box than ever before. I guess I should be grateful that I'm even working on it, when it used to be a harder choice than I was able to face.

BD